trial of miles; miles of trials

More rest. Threw away four trash bags full of junk and talked to my mom for two hours.

Set some goals for the week:

Monday: AM: Half hour of basketball, PM: yoga OR ballerina pilates, run 1/2 mile.

Tuesday: AM: yoga, PM: Swim 1 mile.

Wednesday: Run 1 mile. Maybe yoga.

Thursday: Lift for legs and core. 1 hour elliptical.

Friday: "Power yoga." I don't know what that entails, but it's on the gym schedule.

Saturday: AM: Run 1 mile, yoga. PM: Long hike or 1.5 hours on elliptical.

Other goals:

- eat three or four times per day, be vegan (such a small word, such a big challenge)

- good breakfast every morning

- no alcohol, two or fewer cups of coffee per day

- remember that life is beautiful

Very grateful today for the width of the world and, weirdly, the internet for always reminding me that there is more out there than just what I can see. T minus 10 days til doctor!!

AM: more like 25 minutes of basketball.

PM: Half mile on the treadmill, barefoot, as in literally barefooted. It hurts the first couple of days but you'd be surprised how quickly that goes away.

Yoga was good for my hip flexors. I always feel so calm afterwards. I have been very frustrated with my life lately, feeling as though I am caught in stasis, doing only what is required for upkeep: I eat, I sleep, I clean, I work out, I go to work. I drive myself around and every day I end up exactly where I started, with almost no change. I worry constantly that I am getting fat; I never am.

Today when I left work to drive to the gym, it was raining. I could hear it on the roof at work, earlier. While I was on the treadmill, Jeopardy! was interrupted by a weather advisory, and they had closed the pool. But when I got out of yoga class at quarter of eight, feeling straight and calm, it was over: there were a few swimmers repopulating the pool and when I went outside, the stormy heat had given into a warm, slightly tropical evening, comforting and close. The sky was covered with every shade of grey and muted pink and dusty orange, in delicate washes like a watercolor painting, punctuated by the jagged outlines of the cloud cover in retreat.

Walking to my car, I felt light through my shoulders and chest, as though all the connections in my whole self had been eased and smoothed. I had no seams anywhere, even where my body becomes my mind, no gaps and no crushed parts. I had driven a little ways down the road, which began to curve to the left, when I noticed over my left shoulder a vibrant rainbow arcing into the sky just behind the gym. Every color shone vibrantly, from the bright red to the crisp purple, just the way we drew it when we were kids trying to get our crayon lines close enough without letting the colors blend into each other.

When that kind of thing happens, the best thing to do is just stop the car and look, so I did that. I put my blinkers on and sat in the right-hand lane, staring over my shoulder at the rainbow, passively letting it sink in. I thought about how A would pull out her iPhone and begin snapping photos of it. I realized that no photo would ever capture this moment sufficiently. I made peace with that thought, and let it fall away from me.

Lagging on that mile, it's been too long. It took about 43 minutes, but I was interrupted twice. That is the worst thing about the pool, especially after running in the state park. It is as much like a treadmill as you can get while not actually on a treadmill.

Doing okay healthwise so far. I ate a huge bowl of soup when I got home last night. I think you're not supposed to eat something or something after 8pm or something.

I don't think I'm eating more now that I'm vegan, but I am so much more aware of what I'm eating that it feels like I'm eating more. Or maybe I actually am. I don't know.

Insomnia last night kept me from yoga this morning. Not the worst thing. Called my mom this morning and we decided I'll go visit this weekend. I like last-minute travel plans; they feel like adventures.

I was feeling inspired and wrote a long post about stress fractures on the discussion board in the "Injuries" section. In case anyone else out there has them.

Today I must unfortunately swallow two pieces of bad news, 

1. my legs are still broken, and

2. I have failed already at every single one of my general 'health goals' for the week.

I have been listening to a lot of Elliott Smith and acting really weird. I had tickets to see Shut Up and Play the Hits tonight, so I went, although I wasn't really in the mood. It was good, though. Last night I was up until about 1 finishing Andre Dubus III's Townie: A Memoir. It was incredibly moving; I can't recommend it highly enough. Sometimes you meet people who lived in the same place as you and had the same kinds of experiences as you, but despite all the similarities you find that there is some kind of disconnect or misunderstanding: the challenges might have been the same, but somehow the struggle was different. I found that I identified strongly with the young Dubus although our lives are very different.

As promised, here is the recipe for the cookies I made this weekend... stolen from some random blogger, I forget. Sorry. They are amazing, and as you can see have NO added sugar and are completely vegan. If you are careful about the chocolate chips you buy, they are even soy-free. I put mine in a Tupperware in the fridge and was very happy with them. It is pretty difficult to eat just one.

Ingredients

• 2 bananas, cut in chunks
  
• 1 c. chocolate chips
• 1/4 c. almond butter
• 2 Tbsp chia seeds
• 1 tsp cocoa powder
• 1/3 c. almond milk
• pinch of salt
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 c. raw rolled oats

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan over low heat, combine all ingredients EXCEPT the vanilla and oats. Heat for 2-3 minutes or until just beginning to bubble.
2. Using a potato masher or fork, mash the bananas in chocolate mixture until smooth. Bring mixture to a boil and boil for 2-3 minutes. Mine didn't boil very well but it was definitely hot, so I just stirred it a little to facilitate the chocolate melting.
3. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla and oats. Stir until the oats are well-coated and the whole thing is uniform in texture.
4. Scoop out tablespoonfuls onto wax paper. You can make bigger or smaller cookies, depending on your taste. Shape into cookie shape and let cool.
5. Eat a bunch of them; feel proud of yourself for your cooking chops and slightly smug about your health-foodie-ness.

Legs hurt. No other significant news.